Dreams of My Father

Every family has its quota of engineering and medical students — never mind what the child actually wants to do. Desi parents decide their progenies careers the day they are born.

Rachana Ramesh

“So I was talking to a doctor couple today about their child’s name and I quote, ‘we really wanted to name her Aaradhya, but then she would be in ‘A’ Batch of her medical school and she won’t get time to take history, so we are settling for Tanvi’”, wrote @DRARN93 on his Twitter. If it’s a girl, she must be a doctor. If it’s a boy, he must take the route to turn into an engineer. Indian middle-class parents expect these unrealistic standards from their children from the moment they are born. Our pop culture has constantly brought attention to this issue and how it affects our young population. “Deep down you know some desi parent is telling their kid, look at Shyamala’s kid, Kamala- she became VP. And what did you become?,” wrote another Twitter user, Karthik Ragubathy.

“Me: *Graduates*. Dad: Congratulations! You are going to get another degree though, right?”, tweeted Disha. A 2014 study shows that for 51 percent of Indian parents, their biggest priority is for their kids to have a successful career. India is only second to Brazil and China when it comes to parental involvement in achieving this goal, with the study showing that 82 percent of Indian parents play a key role in shaping their children’s career paths. This involvement can take the form of direct mentoring with Indian parents spending an average of 12 hours a week helping with their kids’ homework, as opposed to the UK whose parents spend only 3.6 hours on this. It also results in 70-75 percent of Indian parents spending heavily on additional tutoring. This kind of excessive career oriented parenting is accompanied by constant pressure to succeed. This negatively impacts a child’s mental health, leading to clinical depression, anxiety, stress and in the worst case scenario, even self harm. Even in the best case scenario, the pressure can restrict a child’s growth and autonomous decision making capabilities. “One of my relatives told my dad if your son wants to be an IAS officer he must take physics. So I had to take science during my 11th and 12th grade,” says Garvit. “After that, my dad was adamant about me doing engineering in Bengaluru so here I am”, he added. “My relationship has worsened with them than it was before but I am happy where I am, trying to make the best of everything”, he concluded. “Brown parents and mental health can never be balanced”, feels Srividya.

This is not only bad for the kids. Research shows that this investment in their kid’s careers often causes a financial and psychological burden for parents forcing them to work longer hours and in some cases, even get pushed into debt. Even though it is so harmful, why do Indian parents continue to control their child’s career choice? This approach to parenting is a common threat across collectivistic societies in Asia where an individual’s personal preferences are subordinate to the satisfaction of the family. As a result, the family’s dream of a career which was unattainable by the previous generations becomes the most important goal to work towards. Parents push their kids to enhance their social status rather than helping them pursue their own interests.

Since there are many more people and not many available jobs. This makes the parents push the kids harder towards the good jobs. Success does not only mean a good job but is subjective. It can mean different things for different people. For many, it can be financial stability but for others, it can also be the stability of their mental health. “Brown parents and mental health can never be balanced”, feels Srividya. Ironically, when parents conflate fulfilment with a narrow idea of success, they end up ignoring a child’s true talent that could be a better path for their fulfilment. “My parents wanted me to be and didn’t give me a choice”, says Anukur Warikoo on his Twitter. So maybe, instead of tying a person’s self-worth to their careers, it’s time to build new kinds of parent-child relationships which focus on personal autonomy and choice, which enable their children to find their own path to fulfilment.